Allow me to be personal, childish, and quite frankly, rude for a moment.

So. A few years back when I was new to the world of twitter and at a quite unstable place in my life, someone that I knew (but wasn't particularly fond of), decided they wanted to "attack" me and "put me in my place". Hah. Oh, did I mention the ENTIRE argument started because I made a comment suggesting that all "true" Harry Potter fans attended the midnight showing of new movies on the release day? Yeah, I let someone who got upset about THAT, get under my skin. After a long-winded "bitch-fest" (for lack of a better term), it ended with me insulting her for having a twitter account for her dog, therefore deeming her the inferior one. One thing she did manage to do, was insult me for my inability to complete college in the expected 4-year time frame. Really, bitch? Sure, I screwed up. I partied when I should have studied. I spent when I should have saved. I had a hell of a good time doing it.

So, she graduated (about a year ago) and where has that illusive-to-me degree gotten her? A cashier's position at the local Wal-Mart. Hah. (No offense to other, non-degreed Wal-Mart cashiers) Umm, I was out of school for 3 years, and I still managed to hold better jobs than THAT. So while she is busting her butt for one of the WORST employers in history, I'm studying, getting a more current education, and will STILL have more job experience to ENSURE I don't work at Wally World.

Now, I start a lot of petty arguments and make a lot of opinionated comments online, but I have never attacked someone for something that was out of her control. If I was going to insult someone for not finishing college, I would MAKE SURE it was because they fucked up not because of oh, I don't know... a temporary financial hardship.

I live by myself, and have been doing so and paying all of my own bills for 2 years now. She lives with her grandmother. Wow. Even if I did have to work at Wal-Mart I could still provide for MYSELF enough to have my own place. Now, I did grow up in a family of privilege, but I have been cut off for quite a few years, so that really has nothing to do with it. I just find it funny that she felt she was in a place to tell me what I was doing wrong with my life, when she had never even gone through or experienced half of the things I had. Having a college degree doesn't make you a better person, it's what you DO with that degree that shapes who you are and what you are capable of.

It just goes to show that karma is a bitch, and if you're lucky, you get to witness it.

Why i think it's pointless for me to keep trying...

So I've been a bit depressed lately, and I'm sure people are sick of hearing about it. I think for the longest time I denied that I was depressed and kind of put on a happy face front and thought things would get better... yeah, no.

Issue #1. I have a RIDICULOUS amount of debt. I owe over $50,000 in PRIVATE student loans, that is gaining interest EVERY SINGLE DAY. I can NOT afford the minimum payments (they are higher than what I pay for rent) and they don't accept anything less than that... I can't afford an interest-only payment, and the fact that they are PRIVATE loans, means the terms are very strict. I am about to be defaulted which means:
a) they will take my ENTIRE tax refund every year until I die, or my debt it paid off. (I'll prob die first)
b)they will garnish my pay which is barely enough for me to live off of as it is...
c)when I am marked as a default, this will make me ineligible for ANY type of loan or grant from the government, which means I won't be able to finish my degree (That's right, I haven't even graduated yet), unless I find a way to pay for it out of my own pocket. (see b above, there's no way in HELL I'll be able to afford to send myself to school)

which leads to my next problem:
#2 A serious relationship. Ok so people date, and usually that ends up in marriage. WHO THE HELL is gonna want to marry someone $50,000 in debt with NO DEGREE to show for it? Yeah, I didn't think so...

#3 I want more than anything to be a mother, when the time is right.
a) If I can't find someone to be with me, I can't very well have children, can I?
b) If I can barely provide for MYSELF, how am I going to provide for another human being? (I WILL NOT mooch off of the government because I can't take care of my kid, I'm more responsible than that)

#4 Did I mention the $10,000 in other debts? oh yeah... now don't get me wrong, I'm not completely irresponsible. I obviously had good credit at one point in time to take out $40,000 of student loans without a co-signer, but unfortunately having to provide for myself at the age of 19, I incurred a lot of debt, and was able to pay on it, until my hours were cut at a job back in 2007, I haven't been able to climb out of the debt hole since then. I have tried working multiple jobs to pay off my debt, no luck.

#5 I want to own my own house. Now, had my credit stayed in tact, I could have been a house owner by the age of 23... no such luck. Now that may NEVER happen for me.

So all of my chances at living "The American Dream" have been dashed. Most of it I have brought upon myself, and I know this, which is why I have spent the past 3 years trying to fix it. But I can finally see, I'm in way over my head, and this situation may NEVER improve.

I make $7.50/hr and work less than 40 hours a week. My paychecks are barely $400. I make $800 a month and my expenses are a little over $600/mo (not including food and gas) If you have a solution, please share, if not, LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE and quit telling me "it's not that bad" because clearly, it is.

Personal Blog

I will now be posting blog updates, as myself, on this blog.